[A Note to the Reader: I was initially afraid to make a second post to this blog knowing that whatever was written would have to live up to the hype of my first post. After encouragement from a few close friends though, I’m putting it all out there for you guys. I wrote this as a therapeutic vent session in my phone after a stressful day in April of 2015. I never intended to share this with anyone else, but here it is. I hope this lives up to the all the standards and expectations of “I Choose My Son” and that you enjoy it.]
Dear future husband,
I don’t know who you are, but I’m here waiting for you. Right now I’m just a 21 year old single mother crying in bed over a guy that’s (hopefully) not you. In whatever year you’re from I’ll probably look back on all of this and find it humorous. This is probably really high school to future me. Future Alexa would probably tell me to suck it up and wait it out because Future Alexa knows a lot of things I don’t know. But it’s hard to be strong and just wait it out when I don’t even know if you exist. I could be writing this letter to myself for all I know.
All I know at this very moment is I need you. I need to curl up in bed with you and I need you to hold me while I cry this one out. (Actually, if you were here I’d probably be crying tears of joy that you’re real.)
At this point I’ve kind of given up on finding you. At first, I thought you were Holden’s dad, but tonight after spending all day cleaning the house for his weekly visit he didn’t show up and this is such a common occurrence I’ve come to expect it almost every week.
I haven’t been with him in 3 years. It doesn’t seem like it’s been that long since I’ve dated someone, but Holden is going on 2 in 7 months which makes it true.
When I actually look back at the relationship we had I am both relieved to no longer be in the place I was then at that time with him and confused as to why I was stupid enough to stick around for so long. Present Alexa wants to find Past Alexa and slap some sense into her. There are actually quite a few bones Present Alexa has to pick with Past Alexa, but this would probably be the big one.
Other people told me to get out. They told me to run as fast as I could in the opposite direction. As our homie Tay-Swift would have said, everyone knew that relationship was trouble, so shame on me now.
But in my mind I tried so hard to justify. To make excuses. To give out “benefit of the doubt” cards like I was the Nori Japan sample guy at the mall. Everyone wants to believe their relationship is different. We all want to believe that we found the Holy Grail of love and everyone that doesn’t support us is just mad, or jealous, or bitter. It isn’t until you get out, finally see the light, and find someone in the same shoes you were just in yesterday that you see everyone else was right about your relationship.
This happened multiple times to me. First I was that friend, but then I got burned, and man did I get burned bad. So when I saw other girls that I loved and cared about and I saw someone treating them poorly or pulling something sneaky I wanted to protect them from what I went through. I wanted someone to learn from my mistakes and to make it out as the one on top. I didn’t want a boy to get the best of these girls the way one got the better of me.
So I became the tough love friend that people thought was bitter. When I saw a guy that wasn’t sorry for something jerky he did I told the girl to leave. Flat out. Plain and simple. And they thought I was mean and they made the same excuses I did. They were still being blinded by their Love Goggles.* Today none of these girls are with the same guy. They all were burned the same way I was. (Maybe not as severely, but you don’t need a third-degree burn to teach you not to touch a stove.)
Now when I see them with their new boyfriends I am happy for them. When I see a relationship where two people are trying to make it work I am happy for them. When I see people that are in happy and healthy relationships I am happy for them. But as I see so many other people my age getting into serious long term relationships and getting engaged, it makes me wonder when I will have the chance to finally be happy for me and someone.
So I fell off my bike and gave myself a break. It took me a few years to cope with the Holden thing and finding myself again after my first relationship, but soon I was ready to try again. My biggest issue was, I wasn’t meeting anyone. I was so busy juggling school and Holden that there was no time to socialize. I also had trouble finding quality people that lived up to my standards**
Then I met a guy that neatly fit my ideal man checklist. He had everything I wanted in a partner, except he didn’t. When I met him he said and did all of the right things. He offered to get me food and medicine after I got my wisdom teeth out. He told me I was different from other girls and I eagerly believed him****. He played with Holden better than anyone else did, but as time went on things happened and I realized it was absolutely too good to be true.
When I tried to open up to him and tell him deep personal things (I’m sure you probably know about already) he wasn’t having it. He would make some remark about me being too negative or serious and change the subject immediately.
I hope you don’t know how hard it is to have someone tell you they don’t want to hear about the most intimate and personal details of your life when you want so badly to share them with that person. If there was a number one most a-hole way to tell someone you don’t care about them, this would be it.
But both guys taught me something and both guys gave me something. Holden’s father gave me the most beautiful little boy I could have ever asked for and he taught me about what it’s like to give out the type of selfless love that is so blinding it causes you to sacrifice everything you have for someone who doesn’t deserve any of it.
The second guy gave me the gift of How I Met Your Mother. He and the show also taught me that eventually I will find someone that loves my quirks rather than just tolerates them. And I hope that’s who you are; a person that appreciates my quirks because we all know I have more than my fair share.
I hope you like my goofy side and I hope you also like my serious side. I hope that when I tell you things about my past that still hurt me today you not only listen, but also really hear what I’m saying. I hope you love Holden as much as I do. I hope he loves you too. I hope you’re happy with me. I hope you like How I Met Your Mother as much as I do (I’m currently watching it and it was the inspiration for this letter to you.) I hope I can quote it at our wedding and you’ll understand the references. I hope you don’t mind that I like to argue. Well, at least I hope you can put up with it the best you can and I’m sorry in advanced because I know I’m pretty good at it. I hope you don’t mind my dysfunctional family. I know everyone says their family is dysfunctional, but by now you know it’s true. I hope you don’t mind that I probably can’t cook meat to save my life. I hope you are as giving a person as my father and grandfather. I hope you are having fun and studying hard at college right now. I hope you’re out making a lot of memories that will turn into stories you’ll fill me in on later. I hope our first kiss is magical. I hope I don’t throw up on you because I’m so nervous. I hope you share the same thirst for knowledge I do. I hope I can be unapologetically myself with you. I hope I feel comfortable enough to speak my unfiltered mind around you. I hope that we adopt a beautiful little girl together and I hope we have a happy life.
I know that right now I know nothing about where I’ll be at that point in my life. I don’t know where I’ll meet you, how much longer I have to wait here, or when I’ll know you’re the one. I don’t know where we both are and I don’t know much about what I’ll even like or how I’ll look.
All I know is that right here and right now I miss you. I don’t know you yet, but I miss you. I know that you’re coming for me as fast as you can, but please come faster. Until that time comes, I’ll be here waiting on you*****.
I can’t wait to meet you.
Your wife,
Alexa
*Love Goggles: Similar to “Graduation Goggles” from How I Met Your Mother, but for people that can’t see how bad a relationship is while their judgement is being influenced and clouded by the relationship itself.
**Alexa’s Standards: Intelligent, funny, ambitious, doing something productive with their life, good with kids, both interested and interesting.***
***I’m really not asking for that much here, so why is it so hard to find?
****I don’t know why because I’ve heard this line used one million and one times.
*****No, I’m not sitting by a rock tapping my foot. I am out working hard for the many degrees I want while raising my our son until you show yourself.
justaseachange 